After visiting my esteemed local Dubray bookshop last weekend, I acquired some new books but in my perusal of the fiction section I noticed a re-issue of Flann O’Brien’s paperback novel ‘The Third Policeman’. I recalled having read this work before and indeed there were some treasured memories of it residing in my psyche, so when I got home and searched my bookshelves I found a copy dating from February 1978, or some thirty three years ago. I soon sat down to explore its wonderful contents once again and was immediately struck how very refreshing and even exhilarating it seemed even after all these years. Described modestly on the book cover as an allegory of the absurd, it is in fact much more, embracing a hilarious comic discourse on everything from surreal policemen, through bicycles with magical properties to a macabre murder mystery. Although the book has many fine humorous passages, it is the theory of Atomic Theory expounded by one Sergeant Pluck which struck a particular and familiar cord with me on this occasion.
The essence of Sergeant Pluck’s Atomic theory is that everything is composed of ‘diminutive gentlemen’ called atoms which are ‘flying around in concentric circles and arcs and segments and innumerable other geometric figures too numerous to mention collectively, never standing still or resting but spinning away and darting hither and thither and back again, all the time on the go’. He then goes further to explain that ‘consecutively and consequentially’ when a cold hammer strikes a bar of iron over time, some atoms of the bar will go into the hammer and vice verse. The end result is he suggests, that people for example, who spent most of their natural lives riding an iron bicycle over the rocky roads of a parish get their personalities mixed up with the personalities of their bicycle so such an extent that the many end up being half human and half bicycle. Thereafter it could be often difficult to distinguish between peoples’ bicycle and bicycle people. He cites the postman, due to long periods riding a bike, as being seventy one per cent bicycle. Of course, this ‘intricate theorem’ could also be extended to animals, as for example his reference to his great grandfather who rode horses all his life and was for a year before his death, to all intents and purposes, a horse. This old horse was in such a contrary way and gave so much trouble however, ‘coming into the house at night and interfering with young girls during the day and committing indictable offence’, that the local family had to shoot him.
I have to admit that I was greatly impressed by this Atomic Theorem, for it seems to explain many of the peculiar characteristics and behaviour patterns of my own extended family and indeed even of some of my followers on Twitter. My own good wife for example has a great affinity with chocolate which up till now, in my ignorance, I put down to a sweet tooth. However, having carefully considered her behaviour in the light of Sergeant Pluck’s theorem, I now realise that she is probably at least 45% chocolate. This of course is not a fixed percentage as it can fall as low as 10% during the Lent period but can surge to some 75% around Easter. As a result of this new insight I can now fully understand why my wife is a trifle flaky at times, states on occasion that it is her way or the milky bar way and often has a head choc full of sweet nothings. However, I think she is the ultimate sweet treat to love, bar (choc?) none. My daughters also portray many of the characteristics of Pluck’s theory. For example the older girl is at least 35% cat at this stage and 10% rugby ball with the result that when Ireland wins an international match she can be seen curled up in the corner with a small imitation rugby ball purring to herself. However, if they loose, she is best avoided as she can hiss at you and attempt to scratch your eyes out. The younger Lady has three male ‘children’, two boys and a her man, each of which is treated in the same childlike manner. The all have ‘fat Friday’ parties, cut out and colour little paper shapes and sing children’s songs. I now realise that far from developing into a maturing adult, my daughter due to her prolonged association with young minds, is regressing towards her former childhood state and is effectively now 42% child herself.
Although my own Twitter followers are difficult to read clearly from a series of short 140 character letters, nevertheless an application of Pluck’s atomic analysis to some them is illuminating.
Musicshosh for example is probably some 27% Beatle at this stage as she tweets from ‘here, there and everywhere’ along her very own ‘long and winding road’.
Hlane on the other hand could be said to be a mix of 15% cat and 25% dog with the result that she appears at times to be going around in circles with her dog disposition constantly trying to catch up with that of her cat.
RhiannonPaine I seem to believe is a good 20% dancer, 40% book and 12% chocolate which may explain why she spends so much time dancing around with a book in her hand looking for chocolate and why she is thus invariably ‘Late for the Festival’.
KarlaTelega may well be 22% comic sleuth combined with a 15% insomniac disposition which leads her to form cookie companies in her sleep; perhaps through a form of sleep talking on her oldtube I-Phone.?
AbbyHarenberg could possibly be 27% camera by now which may explain why her fine tweets can be so black and white with very precise memory exposure.
The essence of Sergeant Pluck’s Atomic theory is that everything is composed of ‘diminutive gentlemen’ called atoms which are ‘flying around in concentric circles and arcs and segments and innumerable other geometric figures too numerous to mention collectively, never standing still or resting but spinning away and darting hither and thither and back again, all the time on the go’. He then goes further to explain that ‘consecutively and consequentially’ when a cold hammer strikes a bar of iron over time, some atoms of the bar will go into the hammer and vice verse. The end result is he suggests, that people for example, who spent most of their natural lives riding an iron bicycle over the rocky roads of a parish get their personalities mixed up with the personalities of their bicycle so such an extent that the many end up being half human and half bicycle. Thereafter it could be often difficult to distinguish between peoples’ bicycle and bicycle people. He cites the postman, due to long periods riding a bike, as being seventy one per cent bicycle. Of course, this ‘intricate theorem’ could also be extended to animals, as for example his reference to his great grandfather who rode horses all his life and was for a year before his death, to all intents and purposes, a horse. This old horse was in such a contrary way and gave so much trouble however, ‘coming into the house at night and interfering with young girls during the day and committing indictable offence’, that the local family had to shoot him.
I have to admit that I was greatly impressed by this Atomic Theorem, for it seems to explain many of the peculiar characteristics and behaviour patterns of my own extended family and indeed even of some of my followers on Twitter. My own good wife for example has a great affinity with chocolate which up till now, in my ignorance, I put down to a sweet tooth. However, having carefully considered her behaviour in the light of Sergeant Pluck’s theorem, I now realise that she is probably at least 45% chocolate. This of course is not a fixed percentage as it can fall as low as 10% during the Lent period but can surge to some 75% around Easter. As a result of this new insight I can now fully understand why my wife is a trifle flaky at times, states on occasion that it is her way or the milky bar way and often has a head choc full of sweet nothings. However, I think she is the ultimate sweet treat to love, bar (choc?) none. My daughters also portray many of the characteristics of Pluck’s theory. For example the older girl is at least 35% cat at this stage and 10% rugby ball with the result that when Ireland wins an international match she can be seen curled up in the corner with a small imitation rugby ball purring to herself. However, if they loose, she is best avoided as she can hiss at you and attempt to scratch your eyes out. The younger Lady has three male ‘children’, two boys and a her man, each of which is treated in the same childlike manner. The all have ‘fat Friday’ parties, cut out and colour little paper shapes and sing children’s songs. I now realise that far from developing into a maturing adult, my daughter due to her prolonged association with young minds, is regressing towards her former childhood state and is effectively now 42% child herself.
Although my own Twitter followers are difficult to read clearly from a series of short 140 character letters, nevertheless an application of Pluck’s atomic analysis to some them is illuminating.
Musicshosh for example is probably some 27% Beatle at this stage as she tweets from ‘here, there and everywhere’ along her very own ‘long and winding road’.
Hlane on the other hand could be said to be a mix of 15% cat and 25% dog with the result that she appears at times to be going around in circles with her dog disposition constantly trying to catch up with that of her cat.
RhiannonPaine I seem to believe is a good 20% dancer, 40% book and 12% chocolate which may explain why she spends so much time dancing around with a book in her hand looking for chocolate and why she is thus invariably ‘Late for the Festival’.
KarlaTelega may well be 22% comic sleuth combined with a 15% insomniac disposition which leads her to form cookie companies in her sleep; perhaps through a form of sleep talking on her oldtube I-Phone.?
AbbyHarenberg could possibly be 27% camera by now which may explain why her fine tweets can be so black and white with very precise memory exposure.
Tracytid is 33% out of sorts, sort of clever, sort of amusing and sort of smart cookie!
And other followers display similar unusual characteristics, the extent of which can be guessed at through careful tweet analysis. For my own part, my good wife has told me that I have become a mix of 28% old goat and 35% Twitter addict over the last year. I feel that this is widely exaggerated but I don’t wish to lock horns with her over the matter. Rather I pointed out to her that I has been working on a new social web site called Front Door Square where everyone who visits this pub tweets their location to each other. However, she remains sceptical that such a silly location defining device would catch on and says that I should stick with being a sap rather than aspire to being an app. Must end now however as I need to tweet the barman for another pint of stout.
Note: This nonsense discourse is for amusement only but I would seriously recommend that anyone reading it would be well served by becoming familiar with the comic works of the famous Irish writer, one Flann O’Brien.
And other followers display similar unusual characteristics, the extent of which can be guessed at through careful tweet analysis. For my own part, my good wife has told me that I have become a mix of 28% old goat and 35% Twitter addict over the last year. I feel that this is widely exaggerated but I don’t wish to lock horns with her over the matter. Rather I pointed out to her that I has been working on a new social web site called Front Door Square where everyone who visits this pub tweets their location to each other. However, she remains sceptical that such a silly location defining device would catch on and says that I should stick with being a sap rather than aspire to being an app. Must end now however as I need to tweet the barman for another pint of stout.
Note: This nonsense discourse is for amusement only but I would seriously recommend that anyone reading it would be well served by becoming familiar with the comic works of the famous Irish writer, one Flann O’Brien.
I love this book and am so pleased the cover shown is Ralph Steadman's I think I inititially bought the books for their covers.Our synapses are probably the atoms that Flann had in mind.Even if evolution is not truly taking pave ours thinks bubbles are causing our heads to turn into Aero bars.Free association is the view from the window of these cells.
ReplyDelete